803. - Adam Roberts

All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Stateside with Kai and Carter, a new podcast from The Guardian. And they are using this podcast to slow down the news and wrestle with the questions that we all have about what's happening in the world. And they do it three times a week, Jason. Does that sound familiar to you? We don't really talk about, you know, a lot of international global news items and climates and cultures and sports and things like that. We do talk about fashion and wellness, but for everything else, Kai and Carter are a great place. All right, so who couldn't use more news? Listen wherever you get your podcast. or watch on YouTube. Chris Black coming to you from a beautiful New York City. We got Alcaraz and Tommy Paul going at it on the clay. Let's pray that Alcaraz in his still shitty haircut takes the L. The haircut is bad. I used to ride for his haircut. It was giving kind of impressionable trade, and it kind of worked out well. He's been ranked number two. He's been in the top three for the last couple of years now, and I think Carlos or somebody in his team stood no better. Honestly, it's still crazy. Put a hat on like the rest of these guys. That's the other thing. Wearing a hat to play tennis is good for business. Keeps the sun out of your eyes because you can't wear your district visions. There's all kinds of rules. I just don't know. And he has a barber. Like his barber flew in to give him a haircut, and the barber was getting press. I mean, this guy should be pinned up on a wall and tomatoes thrown at him. Yeah, what kind of press? I mean, hopefully it's bad press. Hopefully they're giving him one star on Rate My Haircut. one star on yelp let me get the 16 yeah i mean we we got um we got sinner over here in the how long gone fit kind of he's he is sort of looking somebody said he looks like he is a cast member from rugrats stretched out when he's wearing his little blue and green set but you know he looks good he looks good he looks the best i would say because he's he look i don't know he has some

sort of features that i like something about his face i like oh yeah okay i don't know what it is speaking of speaking of uh impressionable trade what are some of the features of his body and face do not put body in my mouth do not put body in my mouth do not put body in my mouth wow that is not what i said i just something about his face Like Tommy Paul, for example, looks like a hot fisherman that picks you up on a boat for a tour somewhere in South Florida. And you're like, damn, this guy's a little too good looking to be doing this job. Yannick Center looks like that, but you'd be getting served an espresso somewhere in Milan. He'd have an apron on. He'd be like, oh, this guy's a little too good looking for this job. And thank God for both of them, they've achieved great success. Surely this guy's just making cortados to put himself through college. Exactly. He'll have a prestigious position in the education field or something. But his blue and green Nike fit, I'm not saying it is the gone effect, but I did get a lot of messages about it. And hopefully Sinner is a listener. We're company men over here. Ben Sheldon is our boy. We're bullish on Benny boy, even though he did have a dirty little bottom a couple of days ago. I liked, I like, I love he was playing. I mean, it was fun. He's just fun to watch. And a lot of these guys aren't. And I mean, that's, I don't know. That goes pretty far with me. Um, but we need to talk about, um, something, some news that broke this week that has sent shockwaves through our industry. And. That is known stickman and blues guitar player Mark Maron from the WTF Lock the Gates podcast. He's shutting down the operation. Yeah, after 16 long years of slugging it out on Apple and Spotify, he said no moss. And I listened to him talk about it on the pod this morning with John Mulaney.

It makes sense. 16 years is a long time. He obviously doesn't have to say any reasons why he's quitting this, but the one that stuck out to me the most was him saying, I've talked to everyone. Everyone that I wanted to talk to, I kind of did it. Other than DJ them jeans, of course. It sounded to me, because I listened to the episode as well, and it sounded to me like Almost the producer was like, I don't want to do this anymore. And Marin was like, well, I'm not doing it without you. So I guess we're done is kind of what it sounded like to me. But what is the what else is the producer going to do, though? In theory, they made enough money, I would hope. But I mean, it's not going to stop Mark Maron from being in bad television shows. But, you know, I want to put some we've made fun of Mark Maron a lot on how long gone. But we need to put some respect on his name because he is the GOAT. Yes. All teasing aside, we would not be here without Mark. And many, many other people would not be. I've listened to thousands of hours of Mark Maron. He was one of my best friends when I was addicted to pills. He didn't know that. He didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I mean, when I was on Oxy, I was listening to so many. I mean, this is like the heyday of podcasts. This is like Reply All. Marc Maron, The Champs. You know, it was when podcasting was still good before Call Her Daddy. Okay, so it was the Venn diagram of podcasting was still good, honest shows. It was before the unwell network poisoned the marketplace. Yes, exactly, exactly. So that mixed with, you know what, the opioid addiction. Maybe I'm lurking in the corners. Maybe I don't hang out with all my friends all the time. You know, who's always going to be there for me? Exactly. Podcast. Well, the thing about being addicted to drugs, especially downers, is you're sitting around a lot and usually you're alone because you're such an irritable dickhead that no one wants to be with you. So during those kind of powerful daylight hours, I would be sitting in my apartment with my headphones on.

just cranking it. And when Maren was good, there was nothing better. I mean, honestly, there was nothing better. When he was good, it was good. It's been a long time, but he still has bright spots because he's the guy. And he got Obama to come to his garage. That's still one of the greatest accomplishments in podcasting. Yeah, that was his Osama. We got him, boys. It was. We got him, boy. I mean, I'm surprised he didn't retire after that. But yeah, I mean, how many... How many more fucking middling comedy store guys can you talk to? I do agree you've run out. Well, when he was talking to Mulaney, I think he would prefer to talk to these middling comedians. He would. He was more so bummed on the actors promoting their... Like, he wants to have... any comedian on because they speak the same language. They can gripe about the same gripes. They can exchange ideas and blah, blah, blah. They can argue and it's fun. But then he mentioned Paul Dano talking about his process and just the craft of being an actor and it's all just a fake guys in order to sell this movie that you're on and the only reason why you're doing the show is because you're promoting a movie. And I think that's probably what got under his skin a little bit when it's just like, why am I doing this? I would rather hear Paul Dano talk about that than another comedian talk about how they didn't get SNL or how they craft their set. I understand that that's what he's interested in. Sure. But I don't think... I mean, podcasting has ruined comedy and made it the biggest thing in the world. So it's kind of a double-edged sword in many ways. I agree. Respect, respect to Marin, respect to Marin Glendale's second best stick, man. Um, we, we love you. And, uh, I hope Jason now, Jason, when you run into him at Ralph's after the show is off, maybe now is the time for him to come join us here on how long gone, um, for, for a chat now that he's not doing it every night. Yeah. And I guess now that he, I mean, he mentioned, he's like, I'm 62. I'm going to quit the pod, you know, this summer. And then he was sort of,

coming to the realization perhaps in real time that i won't need to have social media accounts anymore you know i'm an adult man this is the age when people start hanging up the hat and i'm sure that you know he's he's got some m's in the bank he's rubbing elbows with some famous people and he would probably love to not have to post on stories that gerard carmichael came by the house today or whatever it may be no offense to j-rod we would love to have him on but to me gerard carmichael coming by the garage is more interesting than i'm doing you know three nights at chuckle pissers in arkansas which is which is what he's going to keep doing which is crazy to me but i guess if you love it you love it He's not doing chuckle pissers. He's a theater guy when he goes out of town. He's hitting Portland and Minneapolis, and he's doing 2,000, 3,000 cappers. Yeah, for sure. But I think he's a guy who loves the game so much that he will do whatever, which I do respect, even though I'm going to make fun of it. Yeah, he's got a disease, man. But I guess in terms of the Glendale straight male podcaster world, you know one it's uh one has been removed from the podium stand and it's just tim heidecker and i so target is on tim your days are numbered you better watch out tim we'll come find you at fucking drop off okay 8 a.m you ain't you ain't ready for us all of a sudden we creep up on you you ain't ready i'm a big guy but i can hide behind the subaro you won't even see me coming brother i also wanted to talk about i also want to talk about another cosmo cover came out this week and it's uh it's um one of the worst musicians out renee rap and the cover line is straight people don't exist to me and i don't know what that means well i i did some thinking about it so you don't have to i would say at first that cover

to me, is reading quote-unquote rage bait, where it's a smart business move by whoever decided to have that be the main headline of the cover because it tees you up for an instant rebuttal of, well, Renee, you don't exist to straight people. In a straight person's mind, that would be a logical dig or rebuttal. But then the more I thought about it, it's a smart business move on her part because she's come out into the world. Most people have decided that her music is bad. They don't like to look at her or listen to her. She has enough fans to survive and have a very healthy, fun, happy life. Is there any female pop star that's not bi now? That's my question. Is there any at a certain point? The novelty, like making that your personality, if you're Renee Rapp, is because you don't have any songs. Yes, and to me, I guess you could call that, in terms of a smart business move, it's a dyke double down. She is saying, hey, I'm never going to get the straights. The straights are never going to like me. The music I produce is quite bad, and I seem to have a bad attitude. I don't really seem enjoyable or fun to be around. You know, who loves me is this one core group. so I'm just going to glaze them up until the cows come home, solidify my place. It's very punk of her, actually. I mean, look, more power to her. She's like, hey, I'm not going to spin my wheels trying to appease to the straight demographic, cut the bait, and start the straight hate. I didn't mean for that to rhyme, sorry. Well, it sounded like you did. It sounded like you did. Sounds like my writer's room has been working on this. I had a question. for you, just a legal question. I know you're not, I know you're not, um, you know, a lawyer or anything like that, but as my friend and co-host, um, I'm having kind of an ongoing beef with my mailman and he's kind of like an older, older white New York curmudgeon guy who,

I've gotten almost in a physical altercation with because he was mad at me for not getting my mail out of the box because I don't have a key. It's a long story. Okay. So he was mad. So you have a mailbox and he keeps filling it up and he's saying, boss, she won't take no more parcels and envelopes. This guy needs to let a little out. We have blockage happening and it's making my job harder. I respect. But I'm having issues. It's a longer, more drawn-out story, but about six months ago, he sort of almost pushed his way into the apartment when I wasn't home to yell at Alex about it. Today, I saw him, and he kind of stared me down, and I wanted to ask, do you think it's a federal crime to punch a male person, or are they not protected the way other government employees are? Is it a federal? Because this guy needs to get a little slap. Like he needs to get duffed. The attitude is crazy. And he also sings while he's delivering the mail quite loudly. It reverberates in the hallway. Yes. Attacking a mail carrier is a federal offense in the United States. It's illegal. It's obviously illegal to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. A simple assault with no physical contact. That's a simple misdemeanor. Okay. Okay. We can beat that. We can beat that. Punishable by up to one year in prison. Fine of up to 100K. You won't see any jail time. To me, that'll be time served for you, Chris. Assault. involving physical contact or intent to commit another felony. That's a class D, and you can get up to eight years and 250K. Don't love that. Here's my idea. Is this the first time I've ever needed to borrow someone's dog? Well, actually, I was reading a good stat. California, the highest amount of dogs attacking mail carriers in America, 77 confirmed. dog bites or attacks in in the state of california do you think that's because there's just so many more dogs or do you think that there's more something it's a great question i think it could be a per capita thing for sure i mean we have the highest population of humans so it makes sense that we have the most

Dogs kicking around. Yeah, dogs as well. I had ChatGPT pull up an example for you. In March 2025, just a couple months ago in Gardena, California, a man assaulted a USPS employee resulting in a bodily injury, and he was sentenced to 41 months in federal prison. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, never mind. I'm backing off, bro. It's about three, four years in fed time. I could do a year, I've said, just to get in shape. um and learn to cook but i don't know if i don't know if we discover the quran but i want to know chris we're we're tiptoeing around the real question which is yeah of course of course how did this get to the point i mean i don't i'm not saying that it is user error i'm not saying that this is any of your fault there are no accusations going in that direction but i want to know how we got to this point where this yeah this mailman may have allegedly tried to forcibly enter your home and yell at your forever wife if that happened in cali you know it's a wrap if that happened in texas he won't even make he won't even make it out the car it's a certain kind of guy that exists in new york that's just like an older kind of gray haired i grew up in the bronx i don't give a fuck i keep it 100 all the time and i don't think about anyone but myself like an eli zabar type is that where you're like an eli zabar with like no swag and like he's not wearing a charve postal service uniform no swag no uh doesn't have doesn't own several multi-million dollar properties exactly it's just it's just it's just a real it's a very it's a new york archetype and if they become a government employee then they're given too much power and they can disrespect The male receiver. They have a false sense of invincibility. Yes, yes. Honestly, he deserves to get it. I've had to yell at him. We've gotten into a yelling match. But what exactly? When the mailman comes to my house, he puts mail in my box, and then he walks away whistling with his Oakley blades on or whatever it may be. Where does the conflict happen? Where is the friction point? No, he'll come up and knock on the door.

Or I'll be leaving the apartment while he's distributing mail, and he'll be like, you need to get your mail. I'm like, all right, hand it to me. He's like, why don't you get it more regularly? I'm like, because I'm out of town, and I don't have a key, and I don't really get mail here. I have a post office box for that. And then he wants to argue with me, and he gets very – and I swear, because you know I get agitated. He heats it up, and I have to match his freak because I'm not going to let – I'm not going to let a 65-year-old fucking mail carrier mouth off to me in my own home. That's just not going to happen. Not match my freak with the felony assault of a federal employee. I'm not going to. I could do something better. I could just put some like. I could coat the mailboxes with sticky glue or something, get his hands stuck. I could do something more Dennis the Menace style that kind of gets me out of it. I don't know if this has. I mean, I love this. I would love to explore this and talk about this and only this for the rest of the show. Maybe we'll get into it with our guest who's holding right now, and he is not going to say any words right now while we finish the intro. But our guest today. is adam roberts i actually go way way back with adam we used to live on the same street in atwater village for many a year oh we have a lot of mutual friends in uh in ryan o'connell and and jonathan who we just had on a week or two ago we have a lot of mutual friends and he comes from the food world as well he has a podcast he's done a lot of food writing and he wrote a new book called food person that is a uh A fictional tale that was one of the quickest books I've ever read through. It was really me bait just involving food writers, personalities, influencers. It's basically my life. Let's give Adam a call, huh? This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Squarespace. Obviously, Jason, you and I spend a lot of time on the World Wide Web, so do all our peers, our listeners, our friends, our colleagues, maybe even your parents if they're freaky. And if you're doing anything in the world, writing, taking pictures. I do topless boxing. You need a website. Exactly, a website that works, that does what it's supposed to do, that allows you to be creative but also business-minded.

Jason, there's one place to go for that, Squarespace. Yeah, Chris, I'm over here. I'm modifying calculators and putting Claude inside of them so you could cheat at school. And I just want a place where I could, you know, have everything all in one place. I can have the SEO tools so those future graduates can find me. And, you know, I'm able to accept, quote, unquote, donations for my services that might be gray area. You know what I mean? And then email campaigns. Hey, I got a new 2.3 version upgrade. Boom, boom, boom. Get the analytics going. Raise some money. Show your investor all of your cool analytics of what's going on. They're going to want to get in early. And we can use Blueprint AI to make your website look as professional as your competition, if not more. So head to squarespace.com slash howlong for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use offer code howlong to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. This episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by a new podcast from The Guardian stateside with Kai and Carter. This is covering a lot of our bases, Jason. It's trying to slow down. The news and wrestle with the questions we all have about what's happening in the world. And I know you particularly have quite a lot of questions. A lot of questions. But how often? Because we do this podcast three times a week and that's a sweet spot. How many times do they do? Three times a week. And I have a feeling just based on the platform and these talking points that they're maybe going to be covering different stuff than we do. That's just a guess. The Guardian is not some billionaire owned. They're not afraid to say what they want to say, brother. Yeah, Rupert ain't sniffing around in what journalists Kai Wright and Carter Sherman are up to over there at Stateside. But yeah, listen wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch it on YouTube. It's three times a week. And who couldn't use more news? Especially when it's not from here, let's say. Give it a listen. Give it a listen. Oh, this is huge for me personally. This episode of How I'm Gone.

It was brought to you by TaskRabbit. Oh, baby, let me tell you something. This is not a joke. I use TaskRabbit a lot because I can't do anything. You need some art hung? TaskRabbit. You need a fucking something put together, a cabinet. Got to reach that cheese grater on the top shelf? TaskRabbit. Anything you need, TaskRabbit can take care of it for you. And, I mean, how it works, TaskRabbit connects you with skilled taskers in your area. They can help you move. They can assemble furniture. repairs, yard work, mounting, and more. You can search for a Tasker based on cost, skill set, availability, and past client reviews so you know exactly who's showing up and can have confidence that they know what they're doing because Taskers have assembled over 3.4 million pieces of furniture, completed 700,000 home repairs, handled 1.5 million moves, and the numbers are just going up, Jason. Yeah, throw a little money at the problem. It's not so expensive, and that job that you really don't want to do is something that another person out in the world, is very good at doing and would gladly do it in exchange for a little bit of money. So... When life happens, your to-do list grows. Get ahead of it now and get $15 off your first task at TaskRabbit.com or grab the TaskRabbit app using promo code HowLong. Taskers book up faster, especially for same-day tasks. So book Trusted Home Help today. That is $15 off your first task using promo code HowLong with the TaskRabbit app or at TaskRabbit.com. What's up with this modern art behind you? This is my art. No, I'm in a hotel right now. I'm at the Line Hotel. Oh, are you shooting porn or are you there just staying normal? Shooting porn by day, doing my book tour by night. I like that. A little bit of both never hurt anybody. You got to mix fun and work. So you whore yourself out in the nighttime and then you get whored out in the daytime. Yeah, exactly. I just got to pay those bills. I live in New York now. It's expensive.

Okay, so you live in New York now, so you're truly at the famous line, the LA, the Koreatown location. Yes. There really is a Pornhub special. But Adam, do you know that it is a hub for porn creation? A Pornhub? No, I did not know that. This could be, I mean... I thought this was well known, but I'm happy we can educate. I mean, I don't know you that well. Maybe you don't swim in the pornographic waters that some of your friends and our mutual bros that we just discussed do, but it was pointed out. I don't know if it's because of the brutalist, easily cleanable. cement concrete surfaces, or if it's affordable and centrally located in Los Angeles, but a lot of porn gets shot in those hotel rooms. So, you know, 50% chance that you're... In the splash zone, brother. How does it feel? I haven't heard any noises coming through the walls, and I haven't seen anyone who looks like a porn star, but I'm going to keep on the lookout now. Wow. So we don't really stereotype on this podcast. Yeah, we don't stereotype. Don't come for the girls next door like that. I don't appreciate it. I mean, I could be a porn star. You never know. You never know. Honestly, yes. Honestly. You probably are a type. Yeah, you're a guy next door. Yeah, schlubby New York Jewish porn. It's great. And then the twist, he's a top. You kidding me? I don't know about that, but yeah. Slow down now. Slow down. Don't put words in my mouth. We're not creating science fiction here. So you're on your book tour. You're in L.A. So you used to live in L.A., it sounds like, for a long time. I lived here for 12 years because my husband's a filmmaker, so he moved here for his career. And I kind of missed New York. And two years ago, I was like, let's move back. Maybe I'll write a novel. And my husband was sort of like, uh-huh. OK, yeah, good luck with that. And then I sort of, you know, I had to prove myself right. So I wrote this novel. That's why I'm back. That's great. That's a great story. You said, hold my beer. I'm going to do this thing. Well, I mean, I just felt like if I'm ever going to do it, now's the time. I'm like 46 now, but I was 44 at the time. I'm like, if I'm going to write a novel, I got to do it. Well, luckily for you, the bottom's falling out of Hollywood. No one wants to do anything there. So it's better to be anywhere else, really. It's true. I did my event last night with Chelsea Peretti, and she was saying,

uh that like everyone's leaving hollywood right now i guess because of the fires and i guess because of the industry and the strikes and all kinds of stuff there's a there's a the cover story of new york magazine this week is the hollywood issue and the major story is about basically what's happening like why is it happening what's happening where's everyone going yeah it kind of trace it traces the history of like the tax break you know and how vancouver vancouver was first It's pretty interesting, even though I don't have a dog in the fight. But I'm glad that you made it to New York. It feels like a better space for you, which is all I care about. Yeah, in terms of my porn content, I feel like the Jewish, slubby, bottomy, whatever. Cat Cats is deli porn. That's what I'm going for. Yeah, you know who butters your bread. I would like to ideate a little more on the cat's deli porn because maybe the line plays into it. I would say, I mean, it's pretty well known that out of all the great pastrami shacks in America, theirs is the most moist and sloppy, right, Adam? Yeah, this sounds like a Philip Brock novel. Just in terms of how moist the flaps are of the beef. But I mean, I'm not joking. The flaps of the beef? That's the most disgusting description of pastrami I've ever heard. Cats has the wettest pastrami. Wettest pastrami in the game. Am I wrong, Adam? It is true. I've never had pastrami in my entire life. I've never tasted it. Jackfruit pastrami? I cannot be. It has not crossed these beautiful lips. No, I was vegetarian by the time I was 15. Obviously, I didn't know a Jew until I was at least 20, so pastrami wasn't really coming up in my life in Atlanta. Wait, where did you grow up? Atlanta. Atlanta, okay. There's Jewish people there. There's a strong Jewish community that I'm obviously friendly with, and my parents live in kind of the Jewish neighborhood, but there wasn't like a pastrami place. Yeah, you don't drive around Atlanta seeing a lot of rye bread and whole grain mustard shacks. No, it's funny. I went to college. Did you go to Amway? Yeah.

I went to Emory, and I remember I was looking for bagels, and the only bagels I could find at that time nearby were Dunkin' Donuts bagels, which tasted like pure chemicals to me. But I was so desperate for a bagel, I would just eat Dunkin' Donuts bagels on a weekly basis. Hey, look, we have some nosheries now, okay? Yeah, you do. The city has come up. You can get some, but I... the first Jewish person I ever met was an Emory student. Well, see, that makes sense. That tracks. It was an import from the greater tri-state area, which is, it all makes sense. He's like, do you know we can get a little pimento schmear around here? Yeah, I bet they do that. The big thing I remember when I was there was that Driving Miss Daisy was filmed there, and I guess she's Jewish in that story, so it's like, oh, this is where Driving Miss Daisy, Atlanta, the Jewish community. You know, it all comes together in driving the station. And as a gay man, that's how you decided which college you were going to go to. Yes, I was like, if it's good enough for Jessica Tandy, it's good enough for me. Guys, I'm only applying one place. That's a great. Okay, so you did four years or did you stay a little longer? I did four years of undergrad there. And then I did three years of law school at Emory Law School. So I have a very weird backstory, which is that I went to law school. Did we complete the law school? We did, but I hated every second of it. And the whole time I was scheming to figure out how to become a food writer and get out of the law school trap. But I was sort of trying to throw a bone to my parents because I came out when I was 21, and they basically had two dreams for me. One was to be a doctor or a lawyer, and the other was to marry a nice Jewish girl. So when I came out, I basically took one dream away. I was like, I guess I'll throw them a bone. I'll go to law school. How bad could that be? And it turned out it was pretty bad. I really hated it. We love you no matter what, sweetheart, as long as you go to law school. We love you no matter what. And then you're like, instead of being a lawyer, I'm going to choose a job that...

pays truly nothing yeah i'll be a food writer yeah so did you were you were you dipping your toe in the in the food writer waters and were you contributing to creative loafing or atlanta magazine no what happened was i mean i know creative loafing i started a blog in 2004 and it was funny because at the time that was like one of the first food blogs yeah early days so like I was just writing on my little adventures of eating around Atlanta. Like, if you go on to my blog in the archives, you'll see all these old Atlanta restaurants. I don't know if they're still there. Oh, this is right up my street. I gotta go double click. I mean, I used to love Flying Biscuit. I know it became very corporate. Oh, hell yeah, bro. Flying Biscuit, that's my shit. Yeah. Jason, I think I've taken... I know, unfortunately, it has been ruined because I think they were supposed to do like a 50 location, like... continental expansion and that didn't really happen so now there's just like eight kind of shitty ones throughout the metro area and the one original one that's still good but the apple butter is interesting because i don't like apples or apple flavor but that apple butter i think about it sometimes and those biscuits were wild they're like really like tall but not like flaky they're very unique so i just i kind of cut my teeth in atlanta going to all those restaurants and then ask you a question just a quick question Did you ever go to a place called Tortillas on Ponce de Leon? Sure, I did. That sounds very familiar. Okay. No, it was the first time I ever had hummus, so I just wanted to talk about it, but it's okay. We can move on. You had a lot of firsts in Atlanta. Well, I did grow up there. I didn't meet a woman until I was 30 and I had moved to New York, but otherwise, a lot of firsts. There are no women in Atlanta, famously. No, I've never seen one. I've never seen one. Okay, so the first time you ever had hummus was at a Mexican restaurant? Well, I mean, it was more of a legendary burrito place that was, I mean, it was Mexican because it was serving burritos and guacamole, but it was also like guys in ass-suck shirts making the burrito. You know what I mean? It was all like a hardcore scam. But it had two levels.

And it was the first time I'd ever had a lot of stuff like that. I'd never had a burrito before. That was the first time. I just pulled up tortillas. People are commiserating and reminiscing about the 90s tortillas. And they also said they missed the Java jive and the big ass slices of cake. Java jive is like a... breakfast place that is sort of retro that's literally next door it sounds so familiar i feel like i feel like i definitely went there but you know i'm getting old well did you were you going did you go to mjq and shit did you party did i party yeah no i was like doing musical theater and like improv comedy so no damn bro all right we didn't cross past it at all i just want to make that clear i just want to make that super clear see my production of joseph and the amazing technicolor dream code at emory university that i directed so Maybe you were there. You directed. I didn't know you were an actor and director. Hold on. I do it all. I do it all. And you're saying your husband is the one in Hollywood? I think we need to know. I don't know. I don't know. Every director has the brains behind it. So basically, while Chris was eating tofu burritos, getting in street fights, selling diesel jeans in a parking lot, you were being mommy's special boy? Oh, wow. This is good therapy. Yes. I mean, I was a nice Jewish boy, except for a lot of the secret stuff I was doing on Gay.com or... manhunt.net. You were going to Midtown then, as we say. Yeah. Actually, going to Midtown Atlanta was eye-opening. There used to be a gay bookstore there. There was Caribou Coffee that I used to go to. Yeah, of course. That was a cruising caribou, is what we call that. For me, it was just like, oh, there's a place where gay people go, and I can go here and sit. It was great, and I loved Atlanta for that. Atlanta, it's crazy. to me that it's still it still might be considered like the gayest city in america i think it has only grown in power yeah in terms of its gay strongholdery but you don't feel it you don't like i don't know it's america's castro yeah it is america's castro even the straight guys are pretty fruity case in point

Don't laugh at that. Don't laugh at that. We'll cut this shit off right now. Oh, yeah. Cut it off. Sorry. Low-hanging fruit. Sorry. So you're telling me that you did improv. I know. I'm more embarrassed about that than the manhunt of gay.com. Which is – yeah, I'm straight, and I would be happier to say I was on manhunt.com than doing that. But is the – do those skills ever – come into play in your life now do you think you actually learned something from improv did it train a part of your brain oh yeah he was on television with mario lopez yesterday i'm sure that improv and that stage experience you've got a leg up i mean all joking aside yeah i think that um the whole yes and of improv like the famous thing where it's like you could kind of go along with it like was a good lesson for me to learn because i come from a a no but family like you know my family is like very negative like you know they're like do you guys want to come to the party no we're okay we're fine no thank you no thank you no we don't need that no thanks you know it's like a very like yeah like i like it yeah so for me like improv was sort of like open yourself up like be open say you know follow the green lights like i think it really did help me in my life but it is funny because like in the 90s improv genuinely was cool i know it's hard to believe now but like whatever you gotta tell yourself adam whatever you gotta tell yourself i believe you like in the amy polar days the upright brigade like all that stuff was like at that time really cool and the fact that it's so uncool now is fascinating to me because it was It was like the kids in the hall. You had like all that stuff was like kind of hip. And now I feel like it's not. I was raised on the actually I was raised on kids in the hall. I'd watch it every morning when I got home from school. But I was just watching the Pee Wee Herman documentary on HBO. And they are recalling the early, early days of improv comedy in the 70s. It was like Andy Warhol. It was like very interesting, cool people there. It was it was peak.

coolness and performance art in New York. And even in the 60s, it was like Mike Nichols and Elaine May. I mean, it was all those people. So I feel like there's, you know, but somehow I think the Upright Citizens Brigade. Yeah, what else has been ruined? In such a way where it started off so strong and now it's just awful. It is awful. And I think it's because they made it so democratic that anybody could do improv if you paid the money to do it. And some people would invite you to their improv shows and they would be horrible. And then that's when it all went downhill. Because also it seems like the prices to do improv, to join up, were low. The barrier of entry was low. You could pay $300 and get on stage. And it was like a pyramid scheme, too. I feel like there were all these young 20-somethings that came to New York or came to L.A. And they're like, oh, I'm going to get discovered. I'm going to go to the UCB and pay however much money. And then they kept paying and paying and paying and never became famous. That part I like. That part I like. And they're like, good luck, guys. We all made it into the class. I just need an American Express or a visa. Exactly. Do we have a card on file for you, Donald Glover? Yeah, exactly. Okay, so we need to be gatekeeping the stage. Not everyone should be on the improv stage. I agree with that. That's something that we can align on. But I wanted to go back really quick. In terms of modern-day version and 90s throwback version, how does Gay.com or Manhunter compare and contrast to a current-day Sniffies or Grindr? That's a really good question. All right, this episode of How Long Gone is brought to you by Quince. Jason, the temps are warming up. It's getting hot out there. Summer always changes how I get dressed. I need pieces that feel lighter, more breathable, and they're just easy but still put together. I don't look like a slob. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. They focus on high-quality essentials that feel and look amazing. Breathable linen and soft organic cottons. Well-made basics but without the luxury markups. That rare balance where everything feels elevated. but still effortless. Yeah, Chris, linen season is here. I wore a linen blazer to dinner a few nights ago in the warm California sun. But, you know, you got that Italy trip coming up this summer and quality European linen pants and shirts.

Upgrade that look starting at just $34. You know, if you get a nice linen suit, a little t-shirt underneath it, some chill shoes, you're looking good, but you're staying cool. The inside of your special areas are nice and dry as you turn up with your besties. So elevate that summer wardrobe. Go to quince.com slash how long for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns, even on a nice holiday now available in Canada. That is Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash how long. That'll get you free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince punto com slash how long. Hi Talk House Network listeners, it's your old friend Nels Klein from Wilco here. Wilco is touring this summer and we'd love to see you somewhere on the road. We're playing shows this June and July in Rochester Hills, Michigan, Chautauqua, New York, Lafayette, New York, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Vienna, Virginia, Forest Hills, New York, Portland, Maine, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Memphis, Tennessee, La Grange, Georgia, Charleston. South Carolina, Virginia Beach, Virginia, Wheeling, West Virginia, and Columbus, Ohio. Plus, there are even more dates, some with Willie Nelson that I didn't even mention here. So please go to wilkoworld.net to see the full list of dates. We'll see you on the road this summer. This episode is brought to you by Prime. What if you had one more chance with the one that got away? Sam, you came home. based on the best-selling novel from Carly Fortune. Every year after follows childhood friends Sam and Percy as they reunite in the dreamy, nostalgic lakeside town of Berries Bay. Love can be hard to find. So if you're lucky enough to find that person, never let go. A second chance at first love. Every year after, streaming June 10th, only on Prime. Well, with Gay.com and Manhunt, there was like a chat room.

If I remember correctly, it was like all words on the screen. If I remember correctly, don't. Back in my day, back in my day. But it was like all literally like words on a screen. And then like you would just like maybe go into like a chat with somebody and then type words. And then maybe you would send a picture of your face. And I feel like now it's like there's like sniffies and Grindr. And there's just like literally people like I'm laying with my butt in the air in the line hotel. Be here in five minutes. You know, it's like no loads refused from 520 to 527. Come on down. Yeah. And honestly, there was a certain romance to it 20 years ago. In fact, it's so funny. I look back on how innocent I was when I was like 15 or 16. Do you guys remember Prodigy and AOL? Of course. There's like chat rooms on there. And I would go into those gay chat rooms and I'd be like, hi, I'm a 16 year old boy who thinks I might be gay. Like anyone here want to give me some advice? And I would get like a thousand inbox. I want to give you some advice. All right. Come here. Come here, young fella. I'm just a virgin twink anyway. If anyone has any. I didn't know any matter. You just hear a knock on your front door. Yeah. If I was 16 today, I think I would know too much and see too much and be exposed to too much. It's just like. It's all your fingertips. No, I think that, I think that we, we talk about that era of the internet fairly often on how long gone. Cause we're, we're, I mean, we're only a few years younger than you. So it's the same generation basically. Yeah. We were doing the same things just with girls. Yeah. I was reading a book that, that the new Natasha Stagg book is, is called Grand Rapids and it has like a whole chat room kind of storyline in it. And I was like, And we're getting to the point now where, like, our age group is the one writing about this and talking about this, and it really brings me back. And your parents, I don't know if your parents did this, but was the computer that you were in the gate, was it in a shared space, let's say? Oh, yeah. Okay. It was the Apple. No, maybe it was the Apple 2DS was my first computer, but it was like a Dell. We had a Dell. You had the Dell in the family room, so you couldn't pull the hog out. I remember looking at gate porn and being so nervous.

printed an image of a guy giving another guy a blowjob on our dot matrix printer on the color printer while my parents were like on their way home and I was like come on, print, print, print and then I grabbed it and I ran it upstairs and hid it in a dictionary. Dude, that is really good. That is really, really good. I really appreciate your commitment but that story sums up that time who needs mission impossible six when you've got a little that's like yeah that's like yeah mom don't go through my zip drives okay yeah my parents wouldn't have known i mean my parents were so not computer savvy they would never have figured out how to do they still have no idea so yeah same same same thank god that's better that way yeah i remember being being that age and i remember downloading a high resolution bikini photo of cindy crawford on like a dial-up connection. And I remember it taking like four to five hours for like a 16-bit GIF. to load and it was just like come on titty okay clavicle we'll take it we'll take it come back after lunch and we're at the elbow don't even think about running out of ink but those were those were innocent times you would you would you would talk to other people your age and interests develop sweet relationships and then eventually try to finger bang them or whatever it is you guys do down the road but it was well it does feel a lot more and it was like everything's dangerous now. It doesn't feel like that was dangerous at all. Even though it might have been and it probably was for some people, it didn't seem like that. And we were willing to work with another person's faults, whereas nowadays they're like, oh, give me your height, weight, hair color, boom, boom, boom, net worth, et cetera. Oh, I'm 5'9". They're like, delete. Yeah, totally. As a writer, I like that there were so many words involved back in the day that you would write messages to each other. You can create your own identity and your own vibe through language as opposed to just images, images, images. It's called erotica. Yeah, erotica. It's called penthouse letters. You may have heard of it.

No, that's a really good point, honestly, because I think that we all see too many images every day. It's like ruining not only our own perceptions of our bodies and faces, but the perception of others. And I do think there's a little bit of mystery there and creativity that is required to be attractive and cool. And now you just got to hit Equinox and use fucking Ozempic and you're good to go. I got to do both those things. Thank you. That's a good, good advice. If I, if you take nothing else away from this podcast, let's get you some GLP ones and an Equinox membership. That'd be great. I can do a backflip. Actually, speaking of, um, the peewee doc before I forget and Chris, you should watch it. It's really amazing found footage of, uh, back in the day, but, and I wanted to talk to a man who could appreciate it. His dad was like a, like a rock Hudson, Marlon Brando style hunk. Like, one of the hunkiest of hunks i've ever seen alive and like a famous actor just look good no no just a regular guy but just okay when you see guys you know from the 40s and they're just like just very good looking just solid hands you know guys used to never worked out never went to the gym but just like buffer and stronger than everyone yeah and then like a young peewee peewee was like a attractive cute guy yeah i was i was blown away and also like he clearly like revered his father and it was interesting because his dad was like a businessman and a little bit ruthless and i feel like as you go through the documentary you realize that he was also a little bit ruthless as he was building his career and so it's just sort of like a funny kind of thing to notice but yeah they're both good looking i want to watch it guys i really do but I know I'm not going to. I just don't, I don't care about Pee Wee Herman. I've never cared about him. I know this is more of a character study and like an introspective look at a human being, but it's tough for me to be interested, but it has got, I mean, no one said anything bad about it. I'll say that I've heard only positive things about it. Yeah. I mean, it's great. I mean, especially like when you look at like how horrible the world treated him.

when he got arrested at an adult movie theater for jerking off or whatever. Yeah, and it's like, what else are you supposed to do in an adult movie theater? Literally, what's it for? Just watch the art on the screen. That's where our favorite pastors and politicians go. I don't know why there's a problem if Pee Wee's there. It's like getting arrested for throwing some popcorn on the floor at the movie theater when you're done with the flick. Everybody just leaves. That's a ringing endorsement. Who made it again? who'd spent like Matt Wolf but he spent like a lot of he like worked with him forever or something there was like a oh yeah and part of what makes the documentary so great is like there's real tension between them like Pee Wee does not want to cede control of this documentary to Matt but at the same time he wants his story told and the secret is that he has cancer and Matt doesn't know that so like Pee Wee's basically dying and wants his story told the right way but it's really there's like so much tension between the two of them so it makes it really interesting and Pee Wee is quote passing as a person who doesn't have cancer and that seems to be the through line in his life of like being a young child quote-unquote passing as a straight guy when he was not able to come out and then dressing up in drag and then passing as a woman which was true he looked like a beautiful woman and then that's how the peewee character developed he was able to not be himself anymore and just be peewee was very interesting as well done peewee head or not um I noticed that now that you're back in L.A., notorious food guy, I want to know of all the places when you touch back down in L.A., why'd you go to All Time? It's so funny because I had my event last night at Skylight, so I was like, I can go anywhere. And I missed All Time. Anywhere? Yeah, and I missed All Time of all the restaurants. I think All Time is spectacular. And I think it's because of the ingredients. No, the produce. They have the best. And when you leave L.A., you forget. Like, oh, like those vegetables and all the stuff you get in LA. The arugula is arugaling different here. Yeah, it was amazing. I have no regrets. I am not apologizing for going to all time. It was really good. But now I have like a week here. So I'm like trying to figure out, do I go get like tacos? Did you see any celebrities at all time? Because I see it in paparazzi photos all the time. Yeah.

It's fascinating. That's too heavy for lunch, but clearly the world disagrees. And the salad that's really good at lunch. It's like a giant salad. Oh, I've had the giant salad. The salad is fine. It's so good. The salad, I have to say, I like all time. I'm not mad at it the way Jason is. You're better than that, Adam. That salad is overrated. The salad's overrated, and it has apples in it sometimes, which I don't like. I disagree. I'm a professional food writer, and I think you're both out of line here. All time is delicious. And it's incredible. I think you are out of line. Because in New York, you can get all these things that you can get in LA, but like ingredients, like you can't get good produce like the same way that you can here. So go to Rustic Canyon and get some of the produce over there. Jason, come on. You know that's an hour and a half commute. You can't. Yeah, I'm not getting on the highway and driving to Rustic Canyon. Knowing Adam, I would have thought that you had your reservations booked for your L.A. trip six months ago as soon as you booked a book tour. Have you turned into a new person? Maybe he's not a dork, Jason. Maybe he's not a dork. No, no. I did a lot of research. But you know what it was? Have you become cool? If I become as fanatical about it, it's actually that I care too much about it, that I have so many friends I need to see. So I'm prioritizing seeing friends and letting them pick their restaurants. It's just like I can't start dragging people around the city. I'm the same way when I go to New York. It's the full decision fatigue. It's just like, I'll go to French Ed even. You know what I mean? I'll take out a mortgage and go to French Ed. I feel like, well, that's where I draw. I literally got in a fight with Alex because I was like, I'm not going to French Ed. I don't like it. And she's like, but my friend canceled. I have a reservation. I'm like, I don't go anywhere else. I don't like Frenchette. I'm not going to eat fucking pickles and asparagus. Adam's like, oh, that sounds good. Love those guys. Yeah, that does sound good. What's wrong with pickles and asparagus? That restaurant, there's nothing I want to eat. This is a real problem with restaurants in general right now. I go to them. They're beautiful. They're cool. The crowd is good. I look at the menu. Don't want to eat any of it.

It's fine. Chris has a very particular diet. I feel like you suffer from a similar thing though, Jason, where it's like you can go to these places that you heard about and you're like, well, this is fine, but I don't ever want to eat here again. I'll do it, but I'm not always in the mood for French. Yeah. It sounds like French food is the common denominator here. Well, he wants to eat vegetables. He's a vegetarian. He doesn't eat a lot of dairy. So he wants to have a good, healthy protein, you know, a piece of fish with some arugula, lemon juice, olive oil, something like that. Or pizza. I'm not crazy. But you go to a place like that, and you're like, oh, I'll try the asparagus, and it's swimming in a stick of butter, you know, or whatever. Got it. Stop putting mayonnaise on it. Stop putting aioli on shit, bro. You know what I mean? Got it. You want a lighter meal. But I think it is smart to prioritize seeing the front. Because I think when you live somewhere, I suffer from this in Atlanta and L.A. to an extent. I only want to go to the places that I know I like, that I miss. I don't need to try something new necessarily. Unless Jason's like, we got to go to this place. I trust him because he knows what he's talking about. But overall, I want to go to Backyard Bowls and fucking Shintaro. I don't need to go to the new hot spot. And honestly, the places I miss the most from LA are like, what's the breakfast taco place? Home State. I miss that place. That's a great example of something that is not great, but I get missing it. Yeah, it's delicious. And then Pine and Crane, I miss that. So your weekly neighborhood spots, it's not like a Michelin star spot, but it's your comfort meal, your hangover meal. whatever it might be and nancy silverton restaurants i forgot about pining yeah yeah yeah i feel like moats uh pizzeria moats uh key spot like those are really special but frankly like yeah that's like when you talk about like the trendy cool new restaurants like the mother wolf and things like that it's like They're all kind of the same to me. You can get that in New York. You can get that in any major city. Adam, I'm going to stop you right here, Chief. Unfortunately, Mother Wolf does rock. And I don't want to admit it. I don't like going there. I don't want to be seen leaving or coming or going. But Mother Wolf rocks. Jason, I think you agree with me. The food is awesome. Well, depending on what you order, the squash blossoms are...

the best squash blossoms in the city or America. They're also like 30 bucks for three squash blossoms. I didn't know what it is. I had a bad experience. I went with my parents and the food was good, but like the table next to us was VIP and they got burrata with persimmons. And so they brought this out to this table. Oh, that was us. It was delicious. You would have loved it. Yeah, yeah. Bro, you should have asked. I would have shared. Because they don't have the persimmons like that upstate in New York. But anyway, my mom was like, ooh, that looks so good. So I said to the waiter, I was like, can we order one of those? And he's like, oh, no, that's not on the menu. I was like, well, can we order like burrata? Can we order like a persimmon? It was like so bizarre. I don't know. It was just a weird vibe. Well, we did famously get scammed on wine there, which I do forget. That's funny. How did you get scammed? Our friend who speaks Italian... Had some sort of relationship with the sommelier. And he was like, I asked for this bottle of the sommelier. He's like, oh, we don't have that one, but we have this other one. We ended up ordering two or three of those, and it was like a $400 bottle of wine. Oh, my God. Yeah, basically, we came in and got this one bottle that we loved, and we were like, this is great. Let's get another one. They're like, oh, we're actually all out of that one that you guys are loving. Here's another one. Not cool. That is not cool. Several hundreds of dollars. This is what I don't like. We all paid $700 each for dinner at Motherwell. And we wonder why we're all just drinking. martinis nowadays you know you're never going to be burned by the somalia when you get a martini i like funky too i like funky because it's just more expensive and has better art and better people like mother wolf is for tourists and funky is for rich people okay davis is going to be at fun but the food is this is the food is basically the same more or less and i love pasta i mean like i'm sure i'd love it i just he kind of pissed me off when he said yeah like an interview where he said like i don't eat pasta in north america

Do you remember when he said that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, we've talked a lot about Funk Man on this show. And that's who I want making my pasta. I know, but it's like, give me a break. Like, I mean, I love food. I read all the books. Like, I do all the cooking. Like, I get it, but, like, that's enough. There's a lot of amazing pasta to be had all over North America. Well, Adam, I'm going to ask because people say this all the time. Isn't there better Italian food in New York than there is in Italy? I don't mean for you. I'm not trying to put you on the spot with your Italian homies, but that is a line of thinking that some people have. There's definitely better sushi in L.A. than there is in Japan, though, right? By and large. I will say, I think to Americans, there is better Italian food in New York than there is in Italy. Yeah, I see what you're saying. the kind of italian food that americans are thinking of like chicken parmesan like that kind of stuff yes hey don't come for my american ass palate bro i like weird shit too okay no no but i'm saying like if you wanted like because i feel like if you go to italy and have italian food a lot of americans who go there are like disappointed because it's very simple it's like you know just like you said squash blossoms but like for a lot of people that would be like kind of boring someone who's been eating the flaming hot cheetos every day and then you're like here's uh here's a plain ruffle i mean to be fair you put squash in front of my parents, they're going to ask for the check and head on out. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. And I've taken my parents to restaurants like that. Yeah, they don't like any of that. But no, I mean, Italy, yeah, I feel like the real Italian food is just beautiful ingredients and just beautifully prepared, but simple, like very straightforward. Less is more. No, look, I love it. I love it. I don't... think that it's worth taking a trip to eat it, but a lot of people do. So more power to them. You build all this stuff around it. I was just remembering when we were living together in Atwater, there was the weekly gay poker night. Whose house was that again? He writes for the New York Times. He writes about movies for the Times. I used to go to that poker night. You're telling me that gay guys know how to play poker? It's hard for us.

That's crazy. I did not know that. We struggle with it. We get so attracted to the Jacks and the Kings and the Jokers. We're just staring at them and lusting. Yes, King! You guys have come really far as a community, and I'm proud of you. That's cool, man. Thank you so much. I realized I am not good at socializing and playing poker at the same time. That, to me, is very stressful. It's like trying to have a conversation and be like, delightful and funny like and to also be like a ruthless poker player and i don't like to lose so it's like that that night used to stress me out so would you keep your would you keep your sunglasses on or no no but then they had this like big party at app bar where it was you know this local gay bar and it was like everybody who ever played poker was there was like 100 people and in my first hand like we have all these tables and my first hand i had like two like aces and see whatever and i was like oh my god so i went all in And then the guy next to me was like, I'm going all in. And he went all in. And then he had like a, like a Royal flush or something, you know, something insane. And so they, they like literally like applaud the first person out in the hundred person game. It was like, Adam's the first one out. And I was like, yay. It was humiliating. I like that you got the balls to go all in on the first hand. That's cool. Well, it felt really good to have two aces and two whatever, but it didn't really matter. A couple aces up your sleeve at Akbar. We've all been there. I remember on those big nights, because I lived, I would look out my front window and I could see everyone showing up, and it reminded me, or it took me back to being a little kid and seeing... the other kids on the street go play with each other, and then nobody invited me. And obviously I know why I'm not invited. I don't know any of them, and I'm straight. No, you're a known card shark, and people know you cheat. I would look through the blinds every once in a while and be like, what are those guys doing in there, you know? They're probably having great snacks and wines right now. So I was a little envious. Well, I think you probably could have gotten invited if you would have.

attained attraction to men just for a little bit sure well that's all he does now so it's it's a little late it works out well i love i forget sometimes about atwater jason what a special time that was i i think of it very fondly before atwater was blown out you know it was a different time yeah atwater has only it's doubled in size uh in terms of the homeless population and the rent prices oh yeah i mean we had such a great situation our landlords loved us and we paid like no money for a giant two bedroom and we were there for 12 years and it was just like we were never going to leave because it was just sort of there was no rent increase but at some point i was like we got to get out of here i see where this story is going it's like velvet handcuffs when i moved out finally the my the landlord because i was there for like eight years maybe yeah he was like what do you think i should charge for this place now and i was you know whatever i was probably paying 1500 bucks or something like that for from my house and then overnight as soon as i moved out he was so happy that i moved out so i'm sure yours jumped up as well sure it did yeah but it was great i mean i loved atwater village and i i loved it was like it was like the hollywood version of brooklyn like i felt like it was like just that big strip of stores and restaurants. It was, like, quirky. There was, like, a parrot shop, and it was, like, this is, like, we're, like, in Park Slope or something, but it's, like, it looked almost like a Hollywood facade of, like, what a Brooklyn neighborhood would look like. I forgot about the bird store. It was a giant, giant bird store. It was the biggest retail on the whole street. We got the tennis store. We got the bird store. Yeah, the book store. We got the lesbian bakery. You could smell the bird store from across the street. Did that, did that, did the mid, like, 90s coffee place finally? close oh i don't know next to dune yeah yeah i think so yeah that's close i'm sure i'm actually gonna go back and check out like all the new stuff there right because there's isn't there like a tie restaurant yeah you gotta go to mccall's yeah mccall's is there oh i forgot they moved right yeah yeah they moved proof is still i love proof they were better before they were employee owned in my opinion yeah they were better pre-covid but you know they needed someone to yell at them and make the food better what about that weird smoothie place precisely you know i'm talking about

Yeah. The place that Jeff McFetcher's at the art for on the inside, Jason. Oh, yeah. The juice. The juice. The juice is still there. They have a delicious coconut kale smoothie. The coconut kale. The green milk. A famous L.A. treat. I'd never had coconut kale, Jason, until I met you. You put me on to coconut kale. What's the Silver Lake health food with the place that had it in Silver Lake? I can't remember what that one was called. It was Nature Mart or Nutra something. Nature Well. Nature Well. Wait, what is coconut kale? Well, Nature Well, it was right on the Sunset Junction, and it was like a little smoothie juice bar, and it was the first place I ever had a smoothie with kale in it, and it was... I still remember the recipe. It was a whole coconut with the flesh and the juice and everything scooped out, a banana, kale, almonds, and then I think a little agave, and you just blend it up, and it was green. Shit smacks. All of my friends would be walking around on pills, smoking cigarettes, but they'd have a green smoothie, and they'd be like, I'm so virtuous. It sounds like it would be very coarse. There'd be a lot of junk in there floating around. We run it through the sieve. Oh, they run it through the sieve. Good. Yeah, I've double parked a rental car many times feeling not great to run in and get one of those. This is like pre-Erewhon. Yeah, this is when I would see Chloe Sevigny there eating lunch at Forage and grabbing a Parliament and a Kale smoothie afterwards. Forage, in theory, is a restaurant that should work literally everywhere. And they couldn't fucking figure it out. It's crazy to me. Did it close? I think they're on... I think they're on delivery apps now, which is probably better for them. I think they tried to do a real restaurant and bombed. Right, Jason? I remember that. They bombed, but they bought the real estate as well as the parking lot, so it ended up being fine. They'll end up at least not losing money. I'll hit you for $25 for the Dodgers game parking. All of our restauranteurs listening right now, just buy the building. Don't lease it like a fool. It's the only way you're going to make money.

But let's talk about your book really quick, Adam. Has it been optioned already? Are the talks happening? Because of all the books I've read in the last couple of years, it was almost as if it was written on a silver platter. to be turned into a Netflix series. Yes, I'm working with producers. They're trying to cast it. It's just so funny, the Hollywood version of things, because it's like my version was like, oh, like Beanie Feldstein, and their version is like Zendaya. And so I was like, okay, maybe I'm not cut out for this Hollywood business. Maybe you guys should just do it. I think we're in different worlds right now. Yeah, maybe. So I'm just sort of like ceding control, letting everyone take... take charge of it but yeah they're trying to cast it and they're trying to sell it and so i'm waiting to hear what happens so once we get zendaya attached it's going to go pretty quick is what you're saying i think so yeah exactly she's listening right now she can direct the first episode you know what i mean z is one of our first long time listeners we love you but i mean the brief synopsis there's a girl who works at a a food magazine website thing Similar maybe to like a bonappetit.com. Jason can play Adam Rappaport if that's a character. I don't know. I can tuck my pants in. I can tuck my shirt into my pants like A-Rap. And then, you know, life has some ups and downs. She has a Jewish mother who lives uptown, Upper East Side. Upper West Side. Upper West Side. So it's a little... autobiographical for you in many ways but i know your ass would love if zendaya had jewish parents that really zendaya excuse me if this person has some you know bad luck in life and then ends up being offered to ghost write a cookbook for a sort of canceled troubled actress influencer person and then you know drama and hilarity and oh i was about to say i i could play mario batali but you said it's a woman so i guess all right we could rewrite it for you though yeah that would be good yeah it's something to think it's just you can send it to my agent we'll look over it i mean it's something to think about i was i was telling you it's like what a it's the perfect beach read it had like if you live in new york and you're into food

Just every single touch point you could ever hit. There's a trip upstate. We're shopping here. We're putting ingredients together for a quick meal. We're going to hip restaurants and getting blacked out. It's all there. There's drugs. Thank God. Thank you so much. I was out until then. Yeah, there's lots of drugs. It's funny because it's about a ghostwriter of a cookbook. And I got the idea because I ghost wrote a celebrity's cookbook, but I can't tell you who the celebrity was. Oh, give it. We'll bleep it out. We'll bleep it out. Seriously. No, seriously. I really can't. I really can't. But that's where I got the idea. So like I ghost wrote a celebrity's cookbook. I was like, oh, this would be like a fun idea for a novel. But the celebrity I worked for was like really nice. But I was like, what if this celebrity was a jerk? What if? What if they were a jerk? Yeah. Yeah, that's sort of like the Devil Wears Prada in the food world. That's what I was thinking. And then I set out to write it. There you go. That does sound great. And it does sound ripe for film and television. Yeah, I hope so. You know, New York is expensive. So ghostwriting... Was that a positive experience or would you do that again? It was great to get material for the novel. I don't know if I would rush out to do it again. It's funny because it's almost like being a therapist because a lot of the celebrities who write cookbooks don't necessarily have a lot to say. about the food that they're putting in their cookbook so it's like okay like or in general so like you know like with corn if it's like a corn recipe it's like well what does corn mean to you like you know what are your memories with corn you know like oh shit don't make me do 16 on maize right now i don't have it in me i don't have it in me adam so it's like you gotta like you know, draw out, like, material for, like, to fill out the cookbook. So, like, that was sort of the genesis of, like, the book. I was like, oh, like, what if there was, like, more to the story? I always forget that cookbooks, because I don't read them because I don't cook, I always forget they have all of this kind of personality and, like, storytelling. Do you think people actually read that?

Or do you think that's what you have to do to make it like a sellable package? I think people like that more than the recipes themselves nowadays. Really? Now that all the recipes are available online. Not all. True, true. That's a good point. But I'll let Adam answer because he's the expert. You know, I'm glad you brought that up because I worked on a couple of cookbooks and it's so much work and you work so hard on writing a cookbook and you put so much blood, sweat and tears into every head note. But like there is that feeling of like nobody's reading all of this. Like nobody's going to read every head note and nobody's going to read my introduction and nobody's going to read. By the time you finish a cookbook and, you know, 300 pages of a cookbook, it's like, wow, that was a lot of work, but not all of us. So when I wrote a novel, I was like, oh, you can't, like, skip through a novel. You have to actually read every word that's said. So, like, that was what was appealing about a novel. That's really good. Yeah, that's really good. But you yourself is an example of somebody who will read. every page front to back of a cookbook that you enjoy yeah i mean a great writer like gabrielle hamilton's cookbook is awesome the prune cookbook because she's so voicey and bossy and like you know she'll tell you like i've actually read i've read her book memoir and it was awesome i love that really really good really she's a voicey bottom yeah But anyway, I love her cookbook because it's like it's actually the guidebook for people who worked at Prune. And it's like her yelling at them, like, don't waste Parmesan cheese. You know, we can't afford that. And like sort of like telling you how to cook the recipes as if you worked for her, which I love. Oh, that is that is an interesting take on it. Yeah. Because I feel like most things are dumbed down for the consumer level. Yeah, that one's definitely not. But, like, you know, the Zuni Cafe cookbook is a great read. You know, I love books that are, like, fun to read as well as, like, good recipes. Yeah, Brooks Headley's book, Fancy Desserts. Oh, yeah, that's a great one. Like, it was very fun to read. It's like a diary, a bunch of old photos of, like, Born Against touring and stuff like that. But the recipes are extremely complex.

you know, crazy desserts. And I've never come close to even making half of one of the recipes in it, but it's a book I'll always keep. And he's such a cool chef because superiority burger in New York, like he could easily franchise that. And he just doesn't like, he just sort of has that one location and makes this incredible food, which is really cool. I've never been into superiority burger, the original location or the new one. And he has not been there. I, and I used to go once a week at least. Yeah. He's always there. Yeah. He's always there. And the music is good. You know, I don't know who's in charge. He's on his way to being the anti McNally, I guess. Right. He's not. Oh, yeah. I feel I feel like I feel like he could do a Japan, you know, get away with that. Maybe that's a good idea. License. Have you guys read the McNally book yet? Because I just heard good things. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. You haven't read it yet, Adam. That's kind of odd. I need to. I need to read it. No, I need to read it. I want to read it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little there's parts of it that are a little flowery for me personally. but i think that he what do you mean by flowery it's just a little bit like the reference there's there's a lot of like i'm writing you know what i'm saying like this is about i'm referencing this play that you've never seen before it's all very like sort of I like it. I really like it. I just didn't expect that, I guess. The gay stuff, I didn't expect either, which is a great twist. Yeah, I did not expect that either. I mean, the playwright Alan Bennett, I was like, what? That's the thing. When your first gay experience as a playwright, you can imagine how the plays keep coming up. You know what I'm saying? As far as you get deeper into it. You've got play on the brain. But I think that the... Like actual restaurant stuff is really interesting. I just think that like I need X millions to do to reopen Pestis. Like that kind of shit I think is actually really interesting. Yeah, but it's more like we were talking about Eli Zabar earlier in the show. Whatever it is that you're doing in life is just a means for you to buy and refurbish real estate in New York City. Like that's their true enjoyment in life. So like he doesn't care about food. He wants to find an old building.

go buy like a bar upstate from the 1800s, ship over some chairs from Athens and turn it into this amazing space. But when you do that, it's like high stakes gambling. You're always either like. very rich or very broke you're always you know eight million up or eight million in a hole i like that's what i like about that's what i like about it is just you have a gambling habit adam you understand the thrill the verifica contested's memoir was really interesting in that way too like i know garten is very business savvy it's like you want to believe that like all she cares about is food and cooking but it's like no she likes She knows exactly what she's doing, and she's a real businesswoman. The food and cooking part has got to be secondary if you want to be successful, is the honest truth. I guess so. It's the honest truth. Or at least you need somebody who cares about that as much as you care about the other part, if nothing else. Yeah, a good partner. A good partner. Speaking of partners, is there talks or not talks in having your husband direct the film or television adaptation of your book? He has said for the sake of the marriage, he will not be drafting this book. That's smart. And you probably agree with that, right? I do. Actually, I would love a female director because it's a female. Okay, relax, relax. I mean, they exist. I don't know if you guys knew that. Let me Google that. Female director. I'd love to meet one. I'd love to meet one if you know me. They're out there. But yeah, I thought that would be a good idea for this movie because it's about two women. Sure. That's a very good point. When you put it that way. Get Greta Gerwig on there. Yeah. There's got to be somebody else. There's got to be somebody else. Pee-wee and drag would be great. Who's directing this? I actually was able to get Pee-wee and drag to kind of handle this project. I mean, Sofia Coppola, she's a real female director, right? Of course. The realist, maybe, I would say. Go ahead, Chris. No, I was trying to think about who was the director in the Seth Rogen show. Oh, Olivia Wilde. Olivia Wilde as the monster director. That's who I want. But I want her because she did Booksmart, which is like similar to this. Oh, is that why you want Beanie too? Yeah, she'd be great. That's the dream. And they're listening. Bro, I got Beanie on the brain. Yep. And I think she'd be good as my main character. Beanie's good. Beanie's a good actor. I mean, she's great. Okay, then who do you have pinned for the influencer celebrity? I want a Jennifer Lawrence. Oh.

that's good that might that look i mean i like i like your aiming high but that might be kind of too high that's a list that's a list it is our first film after all i'm saying i'm saying maybe i'm saying i'm saying maybe and she's on my mind right now but like an olivia mund you know might be a little more adam doesn't do ethnic but i think uh it'd be interesting to see j-law You know, being like a druggy, like fucked up person, that's Oscar bait, right? Oh, I think it's a good idea. No, I get what you're saying. It's like shooting for the moon, trying to make, you know, trying to get like Meryl Streep or somebody into your mood. Right, right. But they're bringing Z. to the table so hey if if we're already at the moon then you know i don't know if they're really bringing you to the table but i mean this is hollywood they promise you a lot and then they crush you of course which is what i learned over and over again build you up just to tear you down what if zendaya gained 20 pounds for the role that would be huge oscar bet there ain't no way you couldn't pay Zendaya gaining 20 pounds ain't going to, no one could do that. That would be amazing. Valentino's not going to be happy about that. Scorsese couldn't do that. Scorsese couldn't do that. No way. They should have like an anti-Ozempic, like the opposite of Ozempic. Like you take it and it like does the opposite, whatever that is. That's what, yeah. That's called Raising Cane's. Colin Farrell would be really happy. Those guys. Who was it that said he's never... Someone recently was like, I'm never doing it again. I'm never gaining weight for a movie. Like, it's too fucked up. I've done it like three or four times. It was, um... Who was dating Zoe Kravitz? What's his name? Oh, Channing Tatum. Yeah, Tatum said, I'm never going to play fat again. It's just not worth it. I can't do it. You go from Magic Mike to fat guy, that has to be awful for your body. Wasn't Robert De Niro the first dude for Raging Bull? Didn't he gain a lot of weight? Oh, yeah. I feel like he started all that. How much money would it take for you to put on 30? Me? Yeah. Not that much. It sounds really fun. Adam's like, well, I've done it for free a few times throughout my adulthood. That's my job, yeah. I don't know if I could do it. Honestly, I don't know if there's any amount of money. Really? $10 million.

I mean, you would not gain 30 pounds for $10 million. It would destroy my psyche and everything I've worked for and all of my insecurities. That's what the money's for, bitch. I guess within the world of Ozempic, I could gain it, get my trainer, give myself some shots, and I'm back in six months or less. Yeah, but the deal would have to be you have to maintain those 30 pounds, extra for 30 for the rest of your life. No, hell no, that ain't the deal. Fuck you, we're only gaining for our walk-on. your show i can't you have to love yourself no matter what you have to just love yourself well you're on the wrong podcast no one here loves themselves first and foremost okay what if what if this we gain 30 pounds of fat chris eats nothing but crumble cookies for for six months that sounds pretty good but then he can lose 30 pounds of fat gain 30 pounds of muscle as long as he maintains the same weight or is it has it has to be fat oh i like this i like that's good that's a good compromise yeah i could go i could go kumail mode and put on 30 pounds of muscle for the right this is simply a dirty bolt for 10 million dollars i have to get my agent to kind of line it up right so i do the fat roll right into the buff roll and that way i'm able to kind of have a reason to do both i think is the way there you go do you feel like kumail is getting i'm sorry you're gonna end no no please Kumail was on steroids is what that is. Yeah, but do you think it ultimately was good for his career or bad for his career that he did that? I think it's definitely bad because he has sized himself out of his own personality. And character types. That's what I think. That's why I don't get buffed, because people know me as whatever I am. Yeah, there's only so many camp collar shirts Kumail can bust out of on the red carpet before someone's like, we can't hire this guy anymore. Do you think that he will deflate in the name of his true love of improv comedy and his original art form? Or once you get that jacked up and you get that buff. Can you deflate? Is that even physically possible to deflate? Oh, definitely. Yeah, for sure. But I think that once you do that and you like the way you look and you put that much work into it, even if your wife hates you and your family hates you, I think it's very hard to sort of rewire your brain again. And a guy like him, he probably grew up being a nerdy.

You know, dude who was not really getting attention from the ladies, I'm assuming. So then, you know, he tried his new body on and he said, we are never going back. You know, I don't know if anyone could go back to that because he walks into a room and women turn their head and look at him and he could have sex with them. And you can't really put a price on that. Fair enough. I mean, you're right. You really can't put a price on that. You really can't. Well, you mentioned a therapy sesh earlier in the pod. You had an ear for it. You also have a podcast of your own called Lunch Therapy. Is it still happening? I stopped doing it. No, I stopped doing it. I mean, I don't know if you guys edit your own podcast, but I was really bad at it, and I didn't like the technical. aspects of doing a podcast. It was just miserable for me. When I sold the book, I was like, I'm going to take a little break. I really liked doing the podcast because I would ask people what they had for lunch and then I would psychoanalyze them, which was kind of a fun premise. It always got deeper than you would think it would just from somebody's lunch. Very similar to the trajectory of Marc Maron's career. He had a creative partner who was helping him with the technical stuff. As soon as he was maybe done with it, Maron's like, I'm out. And now you're kind of in the same boat, you know, no technical. I got my book deal, audio, Spotify and Apple. But I wanted to ask two questions, you know, because you're able to, you know, base a therapeutic analysis of somebody on what they had for lunch. I would like you to do that to Chris. And then I would also like to know, you know, maybe one or two of the most notable or memorable. friends or guests that you had on and a memorable meal but chris what did you have for lunch today what do you think i had i had a sweet green salad a build your own uh anchored by spinach and wild rice with some uh tofu cabbage and uh a light dusting of spicy cashew dressing okay yeah i can really there's a lot here to work with um

You know, the build your own makes me think there are control issues. That's right. Yeah. You're not deferring to Sweetgreen's recipes. You need to be in charge of your own bowl. How come? Chris walks into Sweetgreen and goes, wrong! It's all wrong! Considering that I don't know anything about food and have never cooked a meal really in my life, I don't know why. I don't think I know better. I think I know what's better for me. Let me say that. I think I know what's better for me. I can go real deep here, but I don't know how much time we have left. Go deep. I think Jason's allowing for more time. We'll allow it, Adam. Please. Also, it sounds like healthy food is important to you. Can we talk a little bit about that and why that is? Because I was fat. for a majority of my of my life yeah and we're getting now to the heart of it i would say only in the last two or three years have i actually learned to love myself and uh yeah physically not like jerking off i mean like the way i look and i you haven't done that yet and i don't think yeah exactly never still still trying to figure that out but i don't i i have a i definitely have an interesting relationship with food but i also yeah love i do love it even though i i think about it too much in probably a negative way you know you're gonna need i'm sorry that's all the time we have for this session today but next week when we'll come back to this and uh thank you Okay, Adam, it sounds like we're doing a press tour. We're rolling these calls right now. Is that what's going on? I'm doing a press tour. I'm doing a couple events in L.A. I'm going to San Francisco. No, I mean, do you have a hard out right now? Oh, no, I don't know. I was just saying I'm done with this therapy session. I was trying to sound like a therapist who was like, you know, we'll see you next week. But to answer your other question, my favorite guest or the coolest guest I had was Fergus Henderson. Do you guys know Fergus Henderson, the stuff from London who knows the tail eating? Of course, of course. But, like, he was in L.A. promoting his book, and his publicist invited him over, and he had literally no idea where he was, who I was. Like, it was the funniest, like, experience. He looked like the Mad Hatter from, like, Alice in Wonderland. He was, like, dressed with, like, a pocket watch and, you know, all that stuff. And then he was not saying anything. He's barely, like, talking. And then he saw I had Furnette on my counter, like, in my bar area. He's like, is that Furnette?

And then he's like, may I have some? And it was like 11 in the morning. And so I poured him Fournette. He drank a little and it was like, poof, like he came to life. And that was kind of amazing. Don't they make their own Fournette? I'm sure they do. Isn't there like a St. John like bottle? I know they make a champagne, which is a really cool gift that my friend Raven has suggested, like giving out the champagne. But he's a legend. And that's a good story because we also, on How Long Gone, we've had a lot of great experiences with people like that who also don't know what they're getting into. And that ends up being the best. best experience and nancy silverton being one of them yeah oh my god i want to listen to that episode that'd be great she talks about one time she sold her espresso machine to buy coke in the 80s it was you know cool stuff like that really yeah but interesting you brought up really really drinking fernet at 11 a.m with fergus because i've talked about his drink the elevens ease Oh, yeah. Are you familiar with this? I think it's in his book, but I forget what goes in it. Yeah, it's like... Twisted. Basically, he created a... Since he's like a super alcoholic guy, he's like found a way to make having your first drink at 11 a.m. a normal and cool thing. Yeah, it was funny. When I was shooting with Mario Lopez yesterday, he made a Negroni on set, and we toasted, and it was like 11 a.m., and I drank it, and it was like, oh, that felt... so good like drinking a little negroni at 11 in the morning it was like oh like i felt like that felt so good refreshed i felt like looser and more playful i was like oh this is this is why people become addicted to this stuff yeah that's right that's what we call alcoholism um and let's not let's not start now adam things are looking up you might need to analyze me maybe now i know i'm like getting so old if i have like a glass of wine at lunch I just want to take a nap all afternoon. That's all that happens. I'm getting so old. I want to take a nap all afternoon without a drink at lunch. So you're better off than me. At least you're having fun first. Yeah, totally. All right, Adam. The book is in stores now? Yeah, it's out everywhere. Food person. Check it out. Great. Thanks so much, Adam. It was a pleasure, honestly. Thank you for having me. This was really fun. I appreciate it.

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